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Joke Time - One Liners

 

... at the beach

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

@ElizaBayne

 

Never Lose A Tank

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

 

... on A Friend’s Pregnancy

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.

@MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

 

... on Spelling

We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that theres no a in definitely.

 

... on Wine

This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

@RobinMcCauley

 

On Perfection…

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.

Businessman Stanley Randall

 

On The Key To A Good Marriage

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, Hey, were getting along pretty great lately!

Bonnie McFarlane, from Youre Better Than Me

 

Fluent in Ink

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon,

 

Reading The Fifth

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

Demetri Martin

 

on The Perks of Dog Ownership

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

Rita Rudner

 

The Oscar Goes to…

My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as I answer the phone Hello?

@SethMacFarlane

 

... on Spelling

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

Stewart Francis

 

Trash of Society

“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.

Chris Joyner

 

... on Over-Sharing

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

Paula Poundstone

 

... on Halloween

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.

—Reid Faylor

 

... on Halloween

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

—David Letterman

 

Drunkard’s Law

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” Alcohol

Josh Hara

 

Arachni-date

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

Matt Fernandez

 

... on Tourism

I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year.

Steven Wright

 

A Tough Question

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Jay Leno

 

A Tough Question

Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?

Bill Bailey

 

Another Tough Question

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

George Carlin

 

Ahead of the Competition

My neighbour is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stones throw away, in fact.

 

A Brow Beating

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Adam Joshua Smargon

 

Fractured Fairy Tales

Old McDonald was dyslexic, I-E-I-E-O.  Billy Connolly

• My wife said she wanted a fairy-tale romance, so Ive locked her in a tower. @tonycowards

 

Misfortune Cookie

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Carol Burks

 

... on Exercise

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.

 

... on Insurance

Needing insurance is like needing a parachute - if it isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing it again!

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